After Michael Jordan recently criticized President Obama's golf game, Obama responded by saying that Jordan should spend more time thinking about his basketball team, the Charlotte Hornets. Then Jordan said, 'Do you really want to talk about whose team got crushed this week?'

I sing in the car if I'm in LA, because you're like soundproofed.

Vladimir Putin bribed a soccer official with a Picasso painting so he would support Russia's bid to host the 2018 World Cup. Putin was like, 'It wasn't Picasso, just picture of what his face would look like if he said no.' (Nose over here, eye up here, ear in forehead.)

President Obama finally has his own personal Twitter account. Even John McCain said, 'Welcome to the Internet, grandpa.'

Rick Perry said Donald Trump is unfit to be president and called for him to immediately withdraw from the race. Then he said, 'And that's coming from ME!'

A political action committee trying to raise money for a 2016 Hillary Clinton campaign is selling “Ready for Hillary” champagne glasses and Christmas ornaments. Because if one thing improves the holidays, it's drinking mixed with politics.

I like living with myself. I mean obviously, because here I am interviewing myself.