Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I'd have an excuse.

I'm going to North Pole to help out Santa this year.

They're making a movie about Barack and Michelle Obama's first date, called 'Southside With You,' and the producers say they've already cast someone to play young Barack Obama. Now, I'm not saying the president has aged a lot but that young actor is Morgan Freeman.

Thank you... 'Real Housewives of Atlanta,' for demonstrating a universal truth: Idiots like me will always watch idiots like you fight on TV. You will forever be in my TiVo.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

We picked the Red Sox because they lose. If you root for something that loses for 86 years, you're a pretty good fan. You don't have to win everything to be a fan of something.

Jim Gilmore was the only GOP candidate not invited to the Republican debates tonight, but I saw that he actually planned to live-tweet it. When he heard that, Jeb Bush was like 'Can I do that? I don't want to be here!'