Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

I'd be nothing without my wife. She's the coolest. She's the greatest. She is the smartest. She's the funniest. I love her so much. She's like the - it's like your best friend for the rest of your life.

A new report claims that William Shakespeare was a marijuana user and may have been high when he wrote some of his plays. Which explains that one line: 'To be, or not to be . . . Wait, what was the question?'

Yesterday on CNN, Joe Biden said he hasn't made up his mind about whether he'll run for president in 2016. Which raises the question: 'Who was raising that question?'

Yesterday, the White House confirmed that President Obama will meet with Pope Francis during his visit in September. Some experts are wondering if they'll discuss their disagreement over contraception. Then Joe Biden said, 'I didn't even know they were dating.'

President Obama broke a world record after he reached a million followers on Twitter in just five hours. The only guys not following Obama? His Secret Service agents. They lost track months ago.

I like to see people laugh who are normally serious.