First of all, I wish I could grow a beard.

As a live stand-up comedy performer, I have the benefit of choosing real entrance music.

Unfortunately for humanity, I've gotten into the habit of providing my own closing music for shows by singing a song and playing the ukulele.

I don't care if I tell that story and John Roderick gets up afterward and yells, 'I hope you enjoyed the white privilege, mortality comedy of John Hodgman!' That's me!" I'm going to play a sad Handsome Family song at the end and I guarantee you everyone is going to love it because, sometimes, you need a grown man or woman to tell you what you like.

I'm an older, wall-eyed, overweight, tweedy writer who has been lucky enough to be asked to play various iterations of himself in a certain realm of popular cultutre. That gives me great joy and excitement, but I don't go to the media saying, "And I'm also the world's greatest actor."

To want to become the President is, I think, such a bizarre ambition that it is automatically deranging.

When a good friend gives you his or her book, you don't want to read it, because you're afraid that it's not going be what you hope it can be.