People like what they like. They're gonna do what they're gonna do.

All I can ask from society is that it please stop telling me why I should like sports.

To want to become the President is, I think, such a bizarre ambition that it is automatically deranging.

I've made my evolutionary purpose and had children. I don't care if anybody likes me, I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to do a whole comedy show about swimming in the loathsomely cold waters of Maine.

I don't care if I tell that story and John Roderick gets up afterward and yells, 'I hope you enjoyed the white privilege, mortality comedy of John Hodgman!' That's me!" I'm going to play a sad Handsome Family song at the end and I guarantee you everyone is going to love it because, sometimes, you need a grown man or woman to tell you what you like.

A stopped clock is correct twice a day, but a sundial can be used to stab someone, even at nighttime.

Life may be miraculous in its unlikelihood in the universe, but it would be a fallacy to suggest that its rareness makes it inextinguishable.