My candidacy is a compelling argument for my candidacy. I want to be President.

I am not beautiful, so I don't know why I'm making myself ugly. But the mustache stays.

Generally speaking, I, like anyone else who does anything publicly, like it when people like what I do, and would like to hear as much.

People like what they like. They're gonna do what they're gonna do.

Comedy does offer an avenue to television and film careers for untelegenic people that great drama does not.

The few people who ask to have their photographs with me, I almost always say yes, except for a few circumstances, like when my family is around.

Do not listen to the killjoys who tell you never to eat oysters in months that do not contain the letter R: May, June, July, August, Octoba. You know.