We don't know much about the human conscience, except that it is soluble in alcohol.

We may not be the creme de la creme, but we are the creme de la scum.

Dying is a matter of slapstick and pratfalls. The ageing process is not gradual or gentle. It rushes up, pushes you over and runs off laughing. No one should grow old who isn't ready to appear ridiculous.

The people look forbidding, solemn, marked by that impossible ideal, Communism, which, like Christianity, seemed to demand too much of humanity and, falling into the wrong hands, led too easily to horrible brutality.

No brilliance is needed in the law. Nothing but common sense, and relatively clean finger nails.

On the three pigs he and his wife own: "We acquired the pigs last year. My wife was born on a pig farm and has always been very fond of pigs. Of course, they are for eating, which is why they are named Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. You wouldn’t want to eat Rufus, Marcus and Esmeralda.

To escape jury duty in England, wear a bowler hat and carry a copy of the Daily telegraph.