The shelf life of the modern hardback writer is somewhere between the milk and the yoghurt.

We may not be the creme de la creme, but we are the creme de la scum.

There's more of yourself in a book than a play. that's why we know all about Dickens and not much about Shakespeare. Ben Jonson murdered people; Marlowe was a spy; Shakespeare just sat in the corner and took notes.

The only rule I have found to have any validity in writing is not to bore yourself.

I knew nothing about farce until I read Puce a l'Oreille, and had no idea what a deadly serious business it is.

The main aim of education should be to send children out into the world with a reasonably sized anthology in their heads so that, while seated on the lavatory, waiting in doctors' surgeries, on stationary trains or watching interviews with politicians, they may have something interesting to think about.

On the three pigs he and his wife own: "We acquired the pigs last year. My wife was born on a pig farm and has always been very fond of pigs. Of course, they are for eating, which is why they are named Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. You wouldn’t want to eat Rufus, Marcus and Esmeralda.