Dying is a matter of slapstick and pratfalls. The ageing process is not gradual or gentle. It rushes up, pushes you over and runs off laughing. No one should grow old who isn't ready to appear ridiculous.

The secret of good health and happiness is to have rather small illnesses throughout your life which you can rely on to stop you doing anything you don't want to do.

The shelf life of the modern hardback writer is somewhere between the milk and the yoghurt.

I suppose true sexual equality will come when a general called Anthea is found having an unwise lunch with a young, unreliable model from Spain.

The old middle-class prerogative of being permanently in a most filthy temper.

Marriage is like pleading guilty to an indefinite sentence. Without parole.

We don't know much about the human conscience, except that it is soluble in alcohol.