If you can make someone laugh who's dead set against you, that's the first step to winning them over to your side.

People vomitied at my movies; not because of the movie but because they were drunk. I took credit anyway.

I like the word 'underground'... 'independent' carries a stigma of whininess. 'Underground' means a good time.

Fifty years seems like a good anniversary. Even after I'm dead, how much better could I get than this? I mean, it's great, I'm not dead, so I get to see it.

Stop blaming your parents. If you're really angry at 60 years old, you're an idiot! You've got to work some of it out.

I mean, what is prison, really, except a good bar without the liquor?

No comedy should be longer than 90 minutes. There's no such thing as a good long joke.