The anger I have about high school - which I do have because they discouraged every interest I ever had; actually I call it anti-education - that anger led to my career.

My hobby is extreme Catholic behavior - before the Reformation.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because I don't have to do anything except bring wine and go to my sister's all day and go to the movies with the family. So, actually, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, but there's not much comedy material on Thanksgiving. Melatonin really isn't that funny.

I tried heroin. I shot up in high school, but I just thought it was so dreary: puking and nodding.

I've signed dicks, asses, parole cards, a colostomy bag while it was still pumping. A couple of years ago, I signed a bloody Tampax. That's one you don't forget. I'm not asking for someone to top that!

People vomitied at my movies; not because of the movie but because they were drunk. I took credit anyway.

I want to be harder to reach, not easier.