I don't really talk to people.

Why do fools fall in love? I'll tell you why, because everybody else has simply got too much else to do.

Anyone who tells you that it is better to have loved and lost that to never loved at all has never done both.

I love paying tax so much, the sight of a gritter lorry gives me an erection.

I don't think I'd have any friends if I didn't obscure at least 99% of my thoughts.

My favourite pub game is, of course, snooker. Any game whose rules basically amount to finding a table covered in mess and slowly and methodically putting it all away out of sight is one with which I can empathise emphatically.

I refuse to believe that clubbing is how people are supposed to meet to establish relationships on a level for beyond what we consider to be a norm in modern society.