It's like America has a dog that's always shitting inside the house, and we solved the problem by getting a brown rug.

[Hugh Jackman is] an Adamantium-laced Fred Astaire.

I know change can be painful. But from change comes growth.

California is choosing between the lesser of, uh, 300 evils.

People! Take to the streets and scream 'BE REASONABLE!'

When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty."

The rise of secularism has brought about an increase in hostility toward things religious.