Bad jokes, and gay marriage are destroying this country - but torture can save it.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

To me, that's where a lot of satire lies. News used to hold itself to a higher plane and slowly it has dissolved into, well, me.

Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?

Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.

You feel kind of weird cheering for chaos. There is that sense that the crazier it gets, the better off we are. Before, when I was part of the American public, I was hoping for a reasonable and quick solution to the impeachment process. Now, I'm hoping for partisan bedlam and chaos. It's really what serves me best.

We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics.