We have standards. Anybody with the kind of journalism experience and professionalism that you have displayed over these years can not work for my program.

People, if you can't get through the puns, I can't give you the good stuff.

In fourteen hundred ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. Now, some have argued Columbus actually discovered the West Indies, or that Norsemen had discovered America centuries earlier, or that you really can't get credit for discovering a land already populated by indigenous people with a developed civilization. Those people are communists. Columbus discovered America.

Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch.

Following revelations that he fathered a love child, the good Reverend Jesse Jackson - or should we say the 'very' good Reverend - is enduring the scandal with the help of family and friends. A scandal which gives clearer meaning to the Rainbow Coalition's Operation 'Push'.

Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.

When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty."