I can only fight back in a way that I feel like I'm talented.

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about.

You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.

You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty!

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

Nathan Lane's Bus of Broadway Fun will be leaving shortly.

People always say, when did you realize you were funny? And I think it's not that you realize you were funny. It's that you're brain works in a certain way. And I don't think that that's - I think in some respects it's uncontrollable, and you can either accept it and deal with it and hone it or you can try to fight it. And I was too weak to fight it.