I tucked him in with his stuffed-animal pet dog—cleverly named Dog-Dog, by the way.

You look like a handsome young man…although you might want to zip your fly. Mom! What? Should I have not told you and left it for everyone else to notice at the dance?

Renee was beautiful, but she was my friend now. On the other hand, Annette was my friend, but now she was beautiful. makes about as much sense as anything ever does with girls

Instead of agonizing about the things you can't change, why don't you try working on the things you can change

(Yes teenage boys who are fine always cry on their mothers’ shoulders until they leave a snot trail.)

Mr. Watras asked me whether I was practicing, and I told him I was practicing my tissue basketball skills.

Me: Well, you see, I, uh, I'm a cancer survivor. Person #1: And how's that working out for you? Me: Well, you see, I, uh, used to have leukemia. Person #2: Dude, how come you're not, like, BALD? Me: Well, you see, I, uh, I had acute lymphocytic lymphoma when I was five. Person #3: Whoa. THAT must'a sucked. I once had my tonsils out.