But nobody ever tells you in advance when you should concentrate on the good times-that's why you're supposed to do it every day.

Hi, Tad!' she said. 'Hi, Jeff! Hey, I'm not interrupting anything, am I?' 'Uh, no,' I said. 'We were just...I mean, Tad was...uh, nope.' 'So what were you guys talking about?' 'Well,' I said, 'it's very complicated. We were discussing...umm...hats. You know, hats. Like, the head kind.' 'There's another kind?' Lindsey asked. 'Hey, Jeff?' Tad said. 'If your mom needs any evidence to prove that you're retarded, let me know. I'd be glad to record you talking to Lindsey. I'm pretty sure that would do the trick.

Mr. Watras asked me whether I was practicing, and I told him I was practicing my tissue basketball skills.

If you promise you will get better instead of dying, I promise I will, too.

Note to self: It's hard to attain a state of no-mind when you're incredibly pumped up on tea and sugar and have to urinate every three and a half minutes.

I tucked him in with his stuffed-animal pet dog—cleverly named Dog-Dog, by the way.

Instead of agonizing about the things you can't change, why don't you try working on the things you can change