I am a morning person...I love waking up, walking & reveling In the beauty of all the flowers and trees....while chugging a 5th of vodka!!! It could happen.

Sorry, I didn't squat and grease myself and be naked next to Kim Lard-ashian. I mean, no matter what you do - excuse me - you can never compete with her. You can win the Nobel Peace Prize and you can't compete with Kim Lard-ashian's ass.

I think it might be harder for a young comic because there's so much more competition. There's more people trying to do it and there are less rooms. Seriously. The way people do anything now is by getting press - some scandal. It's awful. Somebody has to go on a rooftop with a rifle and they get their own sitcom. It's disgusting.

You have to really kiss up to EVERYONE! Kiss up to anyone you think can help you. That's really the best advice I can give. You obviously have to have an act - but, maybe you don't.

I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist.

I'm husband hunting. Now, I know all the men are going to be gay but at this point, I need a new gay husband. Or, a new lesbian assistant. If you want something done, tell a lesbian and the she'll chop down a tree. Something like that.

I am a morning person...I love waking up, walking & reveling In the beauty of all the flowers and trees....while chugging a 5th of vodka!!! It could happen.