However light-hearted you try to be about it, the loss of youth, and everything that goes with it, is quite a trauma.

The bullying was hideous and relentless, and we turned it round by making ourselves celebrities.

I knew that this was what I wanted to talk about on stage. There was no point being coy about it, or pretending that I wasn't gay. That was the substance of my whole act. If you took that away, there would be nothing left

It was all about wanting to get revenge. Pathetic, really, but it still is the motivation.

My dresser and I have the hots for the new rugby ace Danny Cipriani. We have a shrine in my dressing room - press photos of him on the field looking swarthy and fit, and snaps of our boy emerging from Mayfair nightclubs, looking sexy and dishevelled.

Just because someone's dead doesn't mean it's over. My grandfather died more than 25 years ago, but I still think of him a lot and smell his smell.

I, as you may know, am no stranger to the organic courgette, but I still cannot work out who these gay footballers are.