However light-hearted you try to be about it, the loss of youth, and everything that goes with it, is quite a trauma.

I get just as much of a thrill out of constructing a good sentence that gets a laugh at the end as I do from a joke

I didn't think of myself as a tart, but I wouldn't argue with anyone who did

I am full of gratitude for my life - and for this house.

It was all about wanting to get revenge. Pathetic, really, but it still is the motivation.

My dresser and I have the hots for the new rugby ace Danny Cipriani. We have a shrine in my dressing room - press photos of him on the field looking swarthy and fit, and snaps of our boy emerging from Mayfair nightclubs, looking sexy and dishevelled.

It's a wise thing to hold back.