A wedding is a funeral which masquerades as a feast. And the greater the pageantry, the deeper the savagery.

What men don't want, in fact what anyone who's any sort of thrill-seeking, intelligent adult doesn't want, is some crushing bore describing their emotions in real time every waking hour.

It's received wisdom that the English are uniquely child-unfriendly.

May I just single out for salutations, on the "anti-war" side: Pop Stars For Appeasement, Dancers Against Democracy, Actors For Apathy, Fashionistas For Fascism and Jugglers For Genocide. All of them united under that flaccid flag of convenience, Show-Offs For Saddam.

People - and I include myself - get fat because they choose pleasure over self-denial.

Sex, on the whole, was meant to be short, nasty and brutish. If what you want is cuddling, you should buy a puppy.

Only those who haven't got the wit to speak for themselves would ever want their clothes to do it for them.