A wedding is a funeral which masquerades as a feast. And the greater the pageantry, the deeper the savagery.

Make no mistake, most women are well aware that they've never had it so good; when they enter a spa or salon, it is purely a hair/nails thing, a prelude to an evening of guilt-free fun.

One Christmas build-up tradition, however, has totally bypassed me - that of going up to town and doing a show.

It shouldn't come as any surprise that those who choose acting as a profession are phonies who live in a fantasy world. What is surprising is how many of them are blissfully unaware of it.

When the sex war is won prostitutes should be shot as collaborators for their terrible betrayal of all women.

What men don't want, in fact what anyone who's any sort of thrill-seeking, intelligent adult doesn't want, is some crushing bore describing their emotions in real time every waking hour.

It's received wisdom that the English are uniquely child-unfriendly.