A wedding is a funeral which masquerades as a feast. And the greater the pageantry, the deeper the savagery.

Only those who haven't got the wit to speak for themselves would ever want their clothes to do it for them.

I didn't cry when I left free-booting, smash-and-grab papers that would have appeared to be far more natural homes for me and, at the risk of being vulgar, paid far better for my services.

Sex, on the whole, was meant to be short, nasty and brutish. If what you want is cuddling, you should buy a puppy.

Is the raggle-taggle Brangelina tribe any more bogus than that of the landlocked yummy mummy who believes that she can drop half a dozen brats and still keep a modest carbon footprint? I don't think so.

Transsexualism is, basically, just another, more drastic twist on the male menopause.

Lots of women love to accuse men of being immature when the fellow in question displays a reluctance to "commit"...