Others would say to me, 'It is only temporary, it will pass, you will get over it,' but of course they had no idea how I felt, although they were certain that they did. Over and over and over I would say to myself, If I can't feel, if I can't move, if I can't think, and I can't care, then what conceivable point is there in living?
Kay Redfield JamisonSomehow, like so many people who get depressed, we felt our depressions were more complicated and existentially based than they actually were.
Kay Redfield JamisonI was late to understand that chaos and intensity are no subsitute for lasting love, nor are they necessarily an improvement on real life. Normal people are not always boring. On the contrary. Volatility and passion, although often more romantic and enticing, are not intrinsically preferable to a steadiness of experience and feeling about another person.
Kay Redfield JamisonWe all build internal sea walls to keep at bay the sadnesses of life and the often overwhelming forces within our minds. In whatever way we do thisโthrough love, work, family, faith, friends, denial, alcohol, drugs, or medicationโwe build these walls, stone by stone, over a lifetime. One of the most difficult problems is to construct these barriers of such a height and strength that one has a true harbor, a sanctuary away from crippling turmoil and pain, but yet low enough, and permeable enough, to let in fresh seawater that will fend off the inevitable inclination toward brackishness.
Kay Redfield JamisonBut, with time, one has encountered many of the monsters, and one is increasingly less terrified of those still to be met.
Kay Redfield JamisonI long ago abandoned the notion of a life without storms, or a world without dry and killing seasons. Life is too complicated, too constantly changing, to be anything but what it is. And I am, by nature, too mercurial to be anything but deeply wary of the grave unnaturalness involved in any attempt to exert too much control over essentially uncontrollable forces. There will always be propelling, disturbing elements, and they will be there until, as Lowell put it, the watch is taken from the wrist.
Kay Redfield Jamison