Every club has three types: fans, parasites and people who work their bollocks off, even ladies.

Hump it, bump it, whack it! It might be a recipe for a good sex life but it won't win the World Cup.

Experience shows that after a disaster it is particularly difficult with the Americans, who appear to be quite cowardly despite their Rambo films.

It's said the FA chairman (Keith Wiseman) would travel 200 miles to open a biscuit tin. Why?

Let us leave the EEC, abolish human rights laws, take TV sets, pool tables and phones out of prisons, bring back corporal and capital punishment, slash benefits and put single mothers into hostels instead of giving them council flats. Finally, if we chucked out all the illegal immigrants and asylum seekers there would be enough jobs for everyone.

Unfortunately much of it is frittered away on fast cars, designer clothes and an attitude to pleasure reminiscent of the 18-30 holiday packages.

I shall not rest until Leeds United are kicked out of the football league. Their fans are the scum of the earth, absolute animals and a disgrace. I will do everything in my power to make sure this happens.