My daughter doesn't even get my humor. She's like, 'Um, no. I don't get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.'

I would spend absolutely every last minute with my kids, telling them how much I love them and how much I would do for them.

Stand-up comedy is mine: it's my entity; it's my brand; I own it. I do it when I want to do it.

People who eat with their mouth open should be punched in the face.

I don't write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

I think women go crazy for a reason. It's not like it just happens.

Everybody that's successful lays a blueprint out.