How the hell do you wake up dead?

I know how I get hard. Running on a treadmill behind women in a gym normally does it for me.

Relationships are like farting, If you push too hard things could get messy real fast.

What you find I think in the mystical strain of Catholicism is that you're put in relationship with God, and you have many opportunities not only of talking with God in petitionary prayer, but also of listening to God, being attentive to God, as happens in contemplation.

Stand-up can take you in so many different places, man. So many doors can be opened up from stand-up comedy, and the first one that was opened up for me was acting.

I don't look at obstacles as obstacles. I look at them as things that were put there for a reason. You can approach these things negatively or positively. I think those that approach it with a negative mindset only get a negative outcome.

There was one incident at a movie theater where my girl got mad at these guys who were talking behind us. I never looked back there, but she was like, 'Will you all just shut up!' And I just got up and moved three rows in front. She was like, 'What are you doing?!' I was like, 'You better get up here! I don't play the fighting games.'