... humanity deserved to die horribly, since it had behaved so cruelly and wastefully on a planet so sweet.

In this world, you get what you pay for.

The paintings by dead men who were poor most of their lives are the most valuable pieces in my collection. And if an artist wants to really jack up the prices of his creations, may I suggest this: suicide.

Beer, of course, is actually a depressant, but poor people will never stop hoping otherwise.

We are about to be attacked by Al Qaeda. Wave flags if you have them. That always seems to scare them away. I'm kidding.

Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.

It is a sobering thought that Gomer Pyle and the Beverly Hillbillies may be among our chief interstellar emissaries.