...when a person dies he only appears to die. He is still very much alive in the past, present, and future, always have existed, always will exist.

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.

Well, we are terribly divided politically, yes, and, you know, I don't mean to intimidate you and your listeners but I have a master's degree in anthropology from the University of Chicago.

The master of ceremonies asked people to say what they thought the function of the novel might be in modern society, and one critic said, “To provide touches of color in rooms with all-white walls.” Another one said, “To describe blow-jobs artistically.

I paraphrase Aristotle: If you want to be comical, write about people to whom the audience can feel superior; if you want to be tragical, write about at least one person to whom the audience is bound to feel inferior, and no fair having human problems solved by dumb luck or heavenly intervention.

Let there be nothing harmonious about our children's playthings, lest they grow up expecting peace and order, and be eaten alive.

We were all gun nuts and they were called varmints, crows were, because they ate grain and so did we.