I went to high school in Indianapolis I learned how to walk around looking tough because everybody had to do that. I go out there occasionally and they're still doing it, walking around looking very tough because something might happen.

I would have been dead if it weren't for that great gift to civilization from the Chemistry Department of Harvard, which was napalm, or sticky jellied gasoline.

You know, the Emancipation Proclamation was like giving freedom to domestic animals.

The name of the new religion, said Rumfoord, is The Church of God the Utterly Indifferent. . . The two chief teachings of this religion are these: Puny man can do nothing at all to help or please God Almighty, and Luck is not the hand of God.

The champagne was dead. So it goes.

I learned how to make jokes because I wanted to give people as much fun as they did, and I guess I did, too.

Pretend to be good always and even God will be fooled.