I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park.

I was born and raised in Pawnee City, Nebraska. I lived right next to the sale barn and I raised pigs. My dad was a guidance counselor at Wymore High School. He was also a preacher and did farming as well. We leased out our crop land but had cattle and horses.

I think everybody is entitled to say whatever they want. I'm not going to call for anybody to be fired. That's not what America is all about.

I saw a sign one time that said 'hemorrhoids awareness week' at the doctor's office. Let me tell you, if you got hemorrhoids, I'm sure you are aware of it. You don't need a sign to tell anybody about it.

Guns don't kill people, husbands who come home early from work kill people

As I get older, the character evolves tremendously because I'm married and have kids now and realize certain things are not funny anymore. I threw them out of my act.

If guns kill people, I can blame misspelled words on my pencil.