Larry the Cable Guy Quotes

There's nothing better than a Nebraska summer so I wanted to live there in the summer time and visit my family and go to as many Nebraska games as I could.

I'm saying, come on, the global warming thing? How did the ice melt during the ice ages? Was the dinosaurs driving SUVs around back then?

I've been fortunate, I've been blessed, and I attribute my success to all my fans. People want to do things with you when you have a big fan base, and I have a great fan base.

If guns kill people, I can blame misspelled words on my pencil.

When you're married with kids, you just think differently.

I don't know why people get so bent out of shape over stuff people say.

I GREW UP IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE AND HAVE ALWAYS HAD A FRIEND OR 2 THAT TALKED WITH THE SOOUTHERN ACCENT.

When I was a kid down there it was always a dream to go to a Nebraska game but when you live in those small towns you hardly ever get up to one.

I can't live without it. I'm on HuskerPedia™ every day.

THE ONLY GOOD THING IS MY FANS LIKE ME AND COME TO SEE ME AND THATS ALL THAT MATTERS. EVERYBODY ELSE CAN KISS MY ASS. IF THEY DONT LIKE MY POLITICAL INCORRECTNESS THEN THEY CAN KEEP THEIR UPTIGHT P C ASS AWAY FROM MY SHOW. ITS THAT EASY.

Some guy came up to me with his kids, ages probably 10 and 12, and said that the reason he likes me is because he sat through an hour and twenty-minute show, and I didn't cuss one time. So it just really depends.

I hate flying. I'm not a big fan of flying at all so everywhere I go I go by tour bus. If I have to fly I will but I'm not a big fan of it.

I know I don't want to take the Lord's name in vain, and I don't want to drop any F-bombs.

I'm on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver's license.

As I get older, the character evolves tremendously because I'm married and have kids now and realize certain things are not funny anymore. I threw them out of my act.

I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT CRITICS, LIKE I SAID THEY DONT BUY TICKETS.

Guns don't kill people, husbands who come home early from work kill people

I've always thought if you don't like what somebody says, don't hang out with that person. Why do you have to complain about it? Here's the thing. I don't hang out with, and I'm not friends with anybody that would offend me or I think offends me or lives a different way than I do.

Living in a small town you couldn't go anywhere on a Saturday where a store had the game on. If you were downtown you heard the game. If you were at the gas station you heard the game. I remember I would be mowing the lawn and I would stop for the Nebraska game. I would have it cranking outside.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

I don't do my show for critics. Early on I did, because I'm a nice guy and I like to be liked by everybody, and I thought, "Hey, I'm just making people laugh, what's the big deal?" There have been all different types of comics that appeal to all different types of people. Why rail on me? But yeah, they really don't like Southern acts.

I LOVE WAL-MART. I CONSIDER MY JOKES TO BE VERY JEUVINILLE. STUFF A 14 YEAR OLD WOULD LAUGH AT BECAUSE THATS THE SENCE OF HUMOR I HAVE. ALL THE STUFF I TALK ABOUT MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR CHURCH GROUPS HOWEVER WAL-MART AINT SUNDAY SCHOOL. AS LONG AS I DIDNT USE OFFENSIVE FOUL LANGUAGE I KNEW ID BE FINE. WAL-MART GETS IT, THATS WHY THEY BLOW AWAY THE COMPETITION. BESIDES ITS THERE STORE THEY CAN DO WHAT THEY WANT. THATS AMERICA BABY!

I follow the baseball team on the Internet more than I do the football team. Generally you can get a Nebraska game anywhere. Before I started doing big arenas and stuff and had a tour bus when I was just working comedy clubs way back when I would always listen to the games in my hotel room on the Internet.

I can have different opinions with anybody. I can still be a friend with that person.

There's the old joke, "What's the difference between country and redneck? Well, that's three hundred dollars."

I was obsessed with livestock barns, cattle and hogs. I still love that, and I still do that as a hobby.So I'm a strange person.

Its nice if people can finally loosen up a little bit and just go out laugh at silliness. I mean, people take themselves way too seriously sometimes.

Blaming guns for killing people is like blaming pencils for bad spelling

I was always getting in trouble because I was the class clown but I always made teacher laugh. I remember I thought I was going to fail that class but I ended up passing it and I really think it was only because I was good entertainment for her.

I THINK ITS COOL THAT OTHER CROWDS LIKE WHAT I DO. HOWEVER IVE ALWAYS HAD A GOOD MIX OF PEOPLE AT MY SHOWS. I STARTED DOING THINGS ON RADIO ON ROCK MARKETS AND ALTERNATIVE MARKETS. IVE ALWAYS BEEN A COUNTRY TYPE ACT HOWEVER I STARTED WITH THE ROCK MARKET. IM VERY INTERCHANGEABLE.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I don't have a lot of recreation time. I've always been under the assumption that if you're selling tickets you need to work. The kind of success that's happened to me maybe only happens to one comedian every twenty years and so I'm on the road constantly.

I think probably one of the coolest things was when I went to play basketball at Rucker Park in Harlem. First of all, who would think that Larry the Cable Guy would go to Harlem to play basketball? And I was received like a rock star. It was amazing! There were people everywhere. There were guys walking by yelling, Git r done!

I am called to love my neighbor, which I do. I can disagree with my neighbor about several things, but I'm not going to hate my neighbor. It's not up to me to hate anybody. It's not up to me to judge anyone. It's up to me to be nice, to be kind and to do everything I can to help somebody.

MY ACT IS 'NOTHING BUT COMEDY. I TALK SOUTHERN BECAUSE I PICKED IT UP WHEN I MOVED TO THE SOUTH. IM NOT TRYING TO MAKE ANY SOCIAL POLITICAL POINT, NOR AM I TRYING TO MAKE FUN OF REDNECKS. I GREW UP A COUNTRY KID AND WILL ALWAYS BE ONE. I GREW UP WITH PEOPLE THAT SAID CERTAIN THINGS FUNNY AND I PREFORM USING THE SAME LANGUAGE BECAUSE I FIND IT HYSTERICLE. THATS IT. ITS A COMEDY SHOW THAT IS FUNNY AND THATS IT.

I was born and raised in Pawnee City, Nebraska. I lived right next to the sale barn and I raised pigs. My dad was a guidance counselor at Wymore High School. He was also a preacher and did farming as well. We leased out our crop land but had cattle and horses.

I'm always wearing a Nebraska hat. Most of the time I'm wearing something that's got a Husker something on it. I make sure I have it on TV but I have it regularly.

THE FACT THAT MY DAD IS A PREACHER HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING. HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T AGREE WITH SOME OF MY MATERIAL BUT THEN AGAIN THERE'S NO SIGN ON MY COMEDY EVENT THAT SAYS "REVIVAL HERE TONIGHT". IM SURE GOD HAS MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO THAN GO TO MY 8 OCLOCK OMAHA SHOW. THE SHOW IS THE SHOW AND CHURCH IS CHURCH.

Our whole wedding cost 180 bucks. Afterward, we re-heated lasagna for everyone and set off fireworks.

I was madder than a midget with a yo-yo

When I started doing my act, I wasn't married and didn't have kids. I was probably 29 years old. Some people say that's not a kid, but when you're 50, and you look back to when you were 30, you were a kid. You look back on your 30s and think, "I was an idiot!" But I would just do things then I thought were funny. I couldn't have cared less who thought anything about it.

I was scared into being good. But I'm sure I did regular kid stuff.

I don't think every joke has to be so dadgum cerebral. I mix it up really good, because that's the kind of humor I like. I like the goofy one-liner type stuff.

I was pretty subdued [as a kid ] because I didn't want to get spanked, and I didn't want to go to Hell.

My dad was a non-denominational preacher, actually a Congregationalist which is really where all congregations come to congregate. That's why it's called a Congregationalist. Later on in life, he just became a non-denominational preacher, kind of a fire and brimstone type guy. That's how I grew up.

I don't take myself too seriously. I enjoy what I do. I enjoy making people laugh.

I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!

What I do onstage, there's maybe .0001 percent of the population that acts like that. I talk like that because it makes me laugh, and because I know a couple of people that talk like that. They're really that Southern. And they do funny things. I love 'em; they're awesome. They're good people.