I never know what I'm going to write next, and when I think I do I usually turn out to be mistaken.

Back then, before it became clear that democracy was best served by a drunken electorate, the bars in New York City were required to close on Election Day.

As my late mother famously observed, the one thing to be said for growing old is that every year there are a few more things I don’t have to give a rat’s ass about.

I wanted a drink. There were a hundred reasons why a man will want a drink, but I wanted one now for the most elementary reason of all. I didn't want to feel what I was feeling, and a voice within was telling me that I needed a drink, that I couldn't bear it without it. But that voice is a liar. You can always bear the pain. It'll hurt, it'll burn like acid in an open wound, but you can stand it. And, as long as you can make yourself go on choosing the pain over the relief, you can keep going.

Man, I so sick of dinosaurs. They wasn't extinct, I'd go out an' kill 'em myself.

If you build a better mousetrap, Nature will build a better mouse.

Serendipity. Look for something, find something else, and realize that what you've found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for.