The tannoy is crackling but I can only hear heavy breathing and snuffling. ... Uh-oh, the tannoy is crackling again. "Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen, I momentarily lost hold of my pie.

Hello, my sister, Libby, also your daughter, is snogging a potato in my bed. What are you going to do about it?' Dad started yelling uncontrollably. I wonder if he is having the male menopause? If he starts growing breasts, I will definitely be running away with the Circus.

Still, life carries on. Exams to be examined. Serious things to be thingied.

I wanted to kill her and make her eat her fringe. And her knickers.

What shall I say? I must tread a fine line between glaciosity and friendlinosity. With just a hint of 'you don't know what you are missing, my fine-feathered friend.

I am going to become a writer for Cosmo - you don’t have to make any sense at all. Or maybe I’ll be a bloke, they don’t have to make sense either.

Vaisey said, "Is it because your parents don't understand you?" Charlie said, "No, it's because our parents understand us very well, and that is why they wanted us to go away.