I'm not completely sure we aren't all living in a hallucination now.

You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'

In most cases the only difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.

A lot of people think that Jesus is coming back. That's fine, it's your right. But you know, I live in New York, and I think he's running a little late. I'm asking myself, 'Alright, what happens if Jesus comes back tomorrow? What - does he make rounds to churches?' 'OK, everyone who's been good, buses leave in 10 minutes. I'll meet you in front of the post office. I gotta go. Oh, don't tell the Jews I'm back.'

In the sixties and seventies you could probably name all the great comics. It was still special.

Buying my wife a gun sort of like me saying, ' You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise'.

I think sharing experience makes everything better. When people get talking about how they've overcome something or how they haven't, it's nourishing.