It may have lost its special-ness forever and the clubs might not being doing well but I think standup is in the best shape it has been in a long time.

You know when you make popcorn there are always those fluffy white kernels that are fun and good to eat but there are also always those burnt, black kernels that don’t pop. You know why they don’t pop? Because they have integrity.

I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way - I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once - I'm still winning.

Americans don't understand irony? I am an intelligent person living in the United States. My entire existence is ironic.

I don't make a list of questions. Ever. I think a lot of my interviews are driven by my need to feel connection.

We live in a culture where people are self-centered and careerist and everybody seems to think they have too much on their plate or they just don't have time for other people's pain.

Dogs are too much to handle. I don't need anything in my house that's needier than me.