To me, marriage is really important and what we build families on. That's why gay marriage is really important.

Something as important as marriage equality, which is now a constitutional right [in the USA], is something that cannot be denied. It's also very un-Christian, if you think about the way Christ was and Christ's teachings. This is not loving. This is anger. This is hatred. This is bigotry. And it's wrong.

My former bullies pay extra to come backstage and meet me after shows, and I pretend not to know them in front of their friends. It is the most divine pleasure to exact the revenge of the brutalized child that resides within.

Comedy was all I ever wanted.

As a comedian you are making yourself vulnerable in order to make others happy.

Why go through life feeling cheated? It does nothing but make you bitter.

I think self-deprecation is such a disease, and I want to cure everybody of it and so that's my contribution.