When congress is in session no American is safe.

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.

He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was three; I attended their funerals.

Go and surprise the whole country by doing something right.

... the English alphabet is pure insanity..., It can hardly spell any word in the language with any degree of certainty.

Is a person's public and private opinion the same? It is thought there have been instances.

As by the fires of experience, so by commission of crime you learn real morals. Commit all crimes, familiarize yourself with all sins, take them in rotation (there are only two or three thousand of them), stick to it, commit two or three every day, and by and by you will be proof against them. When you are through you will be proof against all sins and morally perfect. You will be vaccinated against every possible commission of them. This is the only way.