I have only one moral precept; never smoke more than five cigars at a time.

The proverb says that Providence protects children and idiots. This is really true. I know because I have tested it.

Satan hasn't a single salaried helper; the Opposition employs a million.

In early times some sufferer had to sit up with a toothache, and he put in the time inventing the German language.

Men write many fine and plausible arguments in support of monarchy, but the fact remains that where every man has a voice, brutal laws are impossible

...the person that had took a bull by the tail once had learnt sixty or seventy times as much as a person that hadn't, and said a person that started in to carry a cat home by the tail was getting knowledge that was always going to be useful to him, and warn't ever going to grow dim or doubtful. Chances are, he isn't likely to carry the cat that way again, either. But if he wants to, I say let him!

More than once I had seen a noble who had gotten his enemy at a disadvantage stop to pray before cutting his throat.