If one is honest there is no need to remember.

I cannot call to mind a single instance where I have ever been irreverent, except toward the things which were sacred to other people.

The devil's aversion to holy water is a light matter compared with a despots dread of a newspaper that laughs.

The only certainties in life are death and taxes.

If everyone was satisfied with himself, there would be no heroes.

It has been reported that I was seriously ill--it was another man; dying--it was another man; dead--the other man again...As far as I can see, nothing remains to be reported, except that I have become a foreigner. When you hear it, don't you believe it. And don't take the trouble to deny it. Merely just raise the American flag on our house in Hartford and let it talk.

Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion--several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven....The higher animals have no religion. And we are told that they are going to be left out in the Hereafter. I wonder why? It seems questionable taste.