The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.

Of all the animals, man is the only one that lies.

I'm the only person who has ever found the right way to build an autobiography.

There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt.

Circumstances make man, not man circumstances.

You can't pray a lie -- I found that out.

I used to think my father was an idiot, until I turned twenty-one... Then I thought he was a genus.