All saints can do miracles, but few of them can keep a hotel.

Remember this, take this to heart, live by it, die for it if necessary: that our patriotism is medieval, outworn, obsolete; that the modern patriotism, the true patriotism, the only rational patriotism, is loyalty to the Nation ALL the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it.

[The Bible is] a mass of fables and traditions, mere mythology.

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Where are there are two desires in a man's heart he has no choice between the two but must obey the strongest, there being no such thing as free will in the composition of any human being that ever lived.

Don't wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

Laughter without a tinge of philosophy is but a sneeze of humor. Genuine humor is replete with wisdom.