None but the dead are permitted to tell the truth.

The insincerity of man-all men are liars, partial or hiders of facts, half tellers of truths, shirks, moral sneaks. When a merely honest man appears he is a comet-his fame is eternal-needs no genius, no talent-mere honesty

The person who has no opinion will seldom be wrong.

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.

Heaven is the very last place to come to rest and don't you be afraid to bet on that!

Humor, to be comprehensible to anybody, must be built upon a foundation with which he is familiar. If he can't see the foundation the superstructure is to him merely a freak -- like the Flatiron building without any visible means of support -- something that ought to be arrested.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.