College is a place where a professor's lecture notes go straight to the students' lecture notes, without passing through the brains of either.

When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them--then the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they are far apart.

In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

I respect a man who knows how to spell a word more than one way.

The true charm of pedestrians does not lie in the walking, or in the scenery, but in the talking.

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.

When you feel like tellin a feller to go to the devil - tell him to go to Chicago - it'll anser every purpose, and is perhaps, a leetle more expensive.