He was endowed with a stupidity which by the least little stretch would go around the globe four times and tie.

Everybody lies...every day, every hour, awake, asleep, in his dreams, in his joy, in his mourning. If he keeps his tongue still his hands, his feet, his eyes, his attitude will convey deception.

You can never find a Christian who has acquired this valuable knowledge, this saving knowledge, by any process but the everlasting and all-sufficient 'people say.'

Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever.

Those who say truth is stranger than fiction have wasted their time on poorly written fiction.

The banging and slamming and booming and crashing were something beyond belief. [On Lohengrin]

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.