I am not the editor of a newspaper and shall always try to do right and be good so that God will not make me one.

What God lacks is convictions- stability of character. He ought to be a Presbyterian or a Catholic or something- not try to be everything.

It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

Slang in a woman's mouth is not obscene, it only sounds so.

Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself.

I don't believe there is anything in the whole earth that you can't learn in Berlin except the German language.

Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.