If God is what people say there can be no one in the universe so unhappy as He; for He sees unceasingly myriads of His creatures suffering unspeakable miseries--and besides this foresees how they are going to suffer during the remainder of their lives. One might as well say, "As unhappy as God."

Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution. Take the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil, you will say that she did it with her teeth.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

The soul and substance of what customarily ranks as patriotism is moral cowardice -- and always has been.

I was exceedingly delighted with the waltz, and also with the polka. These differ in name, but there the difference ceases

We can't reach old age by another man's road.

If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be — a Christian.