Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.

Is the human race a joke? Was it devised and patched together in a dull time when there was nothing important to do?

Golden rule: Made of hard metal so it could stand severe wear, it not being known at that time that butter would answer.

Nothing agrees with me. If I drink coffee, it gives me dyspepsia; if I drink wine, it gives me the gout; if I go to church, it gives me dysentery.

Probably there is an imperceptible touch of something permanent that one feels instinctively to adhere to true humour, whereas wit may be the mere conversational shooting up of "smartness"--a bright feather, to be blown into space the second after it is launched...Wit seems to be counted a very poor relation to Humour....Humour is never artificial.

Intellectual food is like any other; it is pleasanter and more beneficial to take it with a spoon than a shovel.

I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.