I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey. I believe that whenever a human being, of even the highest intelligence and culture, delivers an opinion upon a matter apart from his particular and especial line of interest, training and experience, it will always be an opinion of so foolish and so valueless a sort that it can be depended upon to suggest to our Heavenly Father that the human being is another disappointment and that he is no considerable improvement upon the monkey.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close.

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.

I was armed to the teeth with a pitiful little Smith & Wesson's seven-shooter, which carried a ball like a homopathic pill, and it took the whole seven to make a dose for an adult. But I thought it was grand. It appeared to me to be a dangerous weapon. It had only one fault - you could not hit anything with it.

To eat is human, to digest, divine

Weather is a literary specialty, and no untrained hand can turn out a good article on it

All I care to know about a man is that he is a human being... he can't be any worse.