I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey. I believe that whenever a human being, of even the highest intelligence and culture, delivers an opinion upon a matter apart from his particular and especial line of interest, training and experience, it will always be an opinion of so foolish and so valueless a sort that it can be depended upon to suggest to our Heavenly Father that the human being is another disappointment and that he is no considerable improvement upon the monkey.

Comedy keeps the heart sweet.

One of life's most over-valued pleasures is sexual intercourse; of one of life's least appreciated pleasures in defecation.

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

I like the truth sometimes, but I don't care enough for it to hanker after it.

The Autocrat of Russia possesses more power than any other man in the earth; but he cannot stop a sneeze.

The church is always trying to get other people to reform, it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little, by way of example