When I was 17, my father was so stupid, I didn't want to be seen with him in public. When I was 24, I was amazed at how much the old man had learned in just 7 years.

Praise is well, compliment is well, but affection-that is the last and most precious reward that any man can win, whether by character or achievement.

I was armed to the teeth with a pitiful little Smith & Wesson's seven-shooter, which carried a ball like a homopathic pill, and it took the whole seven to make a dose for an adult. But I thought it was grand. It appeared to me to be a dangerous weapon. It had only one fault - you could not hit anything with it.

Happiness ain't a thing in itself - it's only a contrast with something that ain't pleasant.

You have heretofore found out, by my teachings, that man is a fool; you are now aware that woman is a damned fool.

There is no use in your walking five miles to fish when you can depend on being just as unsuccessful near home.

Eight grown Americans out of ten dread the coming of the Fourth, with its pandemonium and its perils, and they rejoice when it is gone-if still alive.