Satan (impatiently) to Newcomer: The trouble with you Chicago people is, that you think you are the best people down here; whereas you are merely the most numerous.

I wish I could make him understand that a loving good heart is riches enough, and that without it intellect is poverty.

When some men discharge an obligation, you can hear the report for miles around.

Ours is the "land of the free"-nobody denies that-nobody challenges it. (Maybe it is because we won't let other people testify.)

It used to be a good hotel, but that proves nothing - I used to be a good boy.

English humor is hard to appreciate, though, unless you are trained to it. The English papers, in reporting my speeches, always put 'laughter' in the wrong place.

Ignorance is not not knowin' - Ignorance is knowin' what ain't so.