Each nation knowing it has the only true religion and the only sane system of government, each despising all the others, each an ass and not suspecting it.

That is a society editor, sitting there elegantly dressed, with his legs crossed in that indolent way, observing the clothes the ladies wear, so that he can describe them for his paper and make them out finer than they are and get bribes for it and become wealthy.

The election makes me think of a story of a man who was dying. He had only two minutes to live, so he sent for a clergyman and asked him, "Where is the best place to go to?" He was undecided about it. So the minister told him that each place had its advantages--heaven for climate, and hell for society.

I'm the only person who has ever found the right way to build an autobiography.

To be vested with enormous authority is a fine thing; but to have the on-looking world consent to it is finer.

A person that started in to carry a cat home by the tail was gitting knowledge that was always going to be useful to him, and warn't ever going to grow dim or doubtful.

Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.